...and the winner is....

SoapboxSmilingWpCWhew...the Academy Awards have finally come and gone! And The Fogies have something to say about it all.

As usual, we didn't see any of the films, what with the price of movie tickets and the inherent danger of even going into a movie theater in the 21st century. We also fell asleep well before the show was over last night. But that makes no difference. Nowadays, peeps are spewing opinions about everything under the sun without having the most minimal knowledge-base about the event or issue at-hand...witness Donald Trump and all his supporters (but that's a topic for another day).

First of all, we're totally fine with all the backlash against the Academy for its persistent white-bread orientation. As Chris Rock said, what's new about that? Burn down the mission!

As for the Red Carpet fashion parade, our eyes are still hurting. Most of those clothes would end up on the Goodwill bargain rack after failing to sell at the local consignment shop. What an obscene waste of money!

Last, but not least, what about the winners? Good for them. They all showed up for their jobs and they all worked hard at their craft. They may be elitists, but they aren't lazy.


Globular (NOT)!

SoapboxStinksWpCYes, it's awards season again, a favorite time of the year for fogies who are desperately trying to survive the winter with something, anything to sustain them until springtime. Why not attend a parade of very unprivate dinner parties with the stars, beneath the glittering Niermann-Weeks chandeliers?

Fogies dig the awards scene: Fashion, Food, Fawning...all things lacking in fogey life. And oh, for just a glimpse of Betty White in Valentino...or Helen Mirren in nothing at all!

So, what about last night at the Golden Globes? BORING!!!! Didn't laugh out loud much. Groaned a few times. Did enjoy Tarrentino's speech on behalf of Morricone. But what was with all the censorship, resulting in complete drops in sound multiple times throughout the broadcast? We get it - they want to drive people to the Internet to get those tasty nibs (and attract more ad $). Fine. We LIVE on the Internet. But between the TV sound censorship and our hearing loss, we only heard about half of anything that was said. And half of that was stupid. Bad show.

We hold out hope for the forthcoming awards shows this season, but we're starting to wonder - are we getting too old for this?


Trailer for Sale or Rent

SoapboxStinksWpCRemember "Cliff's Notes", those little yellow booklets that provided plot synopses and critical analysis of the books you were required to read in high school? A quick scan and you were competent enough to pass most tests without ever setting hands on the actual work of literature you were supposed to read.

Do you now claim to have read say, "Moby Dick" or "Great Expectations", if you simply used old Cliff to get you by?

You say "yes"?!

Well, good, because the Fogies use the same scam to claim to have seen full-length films (and to review them!), when the truth is we've only seen the trailer.

And why not? Today's trailers spell out the plot, show all of the most spectacular action scenes, and give away every punchline and pratfall of significance to the movie. And they're free!

So, trailers suck, and trailers are the best!

Who says living in the 21st century isn't easy?SoapboxSmilingWpC




The Fogies are so happy when their peers in Hollywood are able to let their hair down and have a good time. Clearly, this is the case for Billy Crystal, who plays an old codger who falls in love with a saucy old coot at the nursing home in "Grampires". His paramour, played by Helen Mirren, has a strange appetite for blood and a strong desire to have a long-lasting (read: eternal) relationship.

This "Funny or Die" short ranks among the most clever and hilarious of the many features that have appeared at the comedy site since its inception.

"Grampires" is quick and silly and bloody as hell. Sharpen up your fangs (or dentures) and check it out at:




Sandler Strikes Again

SandlerMovie2015_WpCDon't get us wrong...we like bad movies with the best of 'em...but we DO have boundaries.


Summer Lacklusters of 2015

HorrorShow_WpCOh, no, it's time for Hollywood to trot out its annual dumpster load of terrible summer movies.

Already, the Disney extravaganza "Tomorrowland" has fallen flat, allegedly because it's too "different" and doesn't deliver the banal predictability of a big franchise movie like "X-Men 10" (this does bode well for "Tomorrowland 2"...). Poor, poor millions of holiday moviegoers 🙁

Watch for our reviews of this year's crop of crap (and maybe a couple of unexpected sleepers) at the weekly "Soapbox" all summer long, starting with tomorrow's take on that very cheeky chicky flicky, "Pitch Perfect 2".


Shady Business





Happy Valentine's Day!


M.O.R.(e) Porno

50ShadesGrey_WpCIt's OK.

You can now indulge your lust for smut without fear of recrimination. Because "50 Shades of Grey" is poised to jump from the book rack at your local grocery store to the big screen at your local movieplex. Now those thirsty tipplers of white zin and sloe gin, the ladies book group, can put down the pulp and head over to a dark theatre to WATCH what they were only permitted to fantasize about before.

The Fogies want in on this action! We're getting kind of tired of always shooting our selfies from the waist up.


Who Let the Dogs Out?

Heel! Down! Stay...stay...stay....
Stay calm. You are about to hear something that just might make your fur stand up: until last night, the Fogies had never seen the classic film, "Old Yeller".
When we learned it was about a dog that had to be put down because it contracted rabies, we just had to see the flick as a double-feature with the contemporary cult horror flick, "Cujo". Two rabid dogs on one night...why, it was like watching a debate in Congress!!
SoapboxSmilingWpCWhat a genius Stephen King turns out to be! "Cujo" is the perfect dark sequel to "Old Yeller". It raises a fundamental question: Is Cujo another pathetic victim, a poor sick cur with an unfortunate lust for biting people? Or is Cujo a mindless force of terror that can't be eliminated soon enough?
Hmmm....something to ponder in these volatile times: is compassion a strength or a dangerous weakness?
One thing's for sure: Mr. King deserves a little tummy-rub...or maybe a sharp needle in the gut...just to be on the safe side.

"The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1"

SoapboxStinksWpCWTF! We went to the new “Hunger Games” the other night with high hopes (and big appetites). We thought we were attending one of those regional cooking contests. You know: BBQ or chili or pie. But the only food in sight was stale popcorn with carcinogenic “butter”, limp nachos with cheese, and Raisinettes. Yes, we found ourselves at the movies with a mob of loopy fans dressed in togas and loin cloths. Unhappy, but always conformists, we decided to go ahead and take off our pants and settle in to watch the flick.

About halfway in, my old fogey pal was snoozing. I, however, was on the edge of my seat (primarily because he had slumped over and was laying on my back). What was happening?! Murder and mayhem and lots of freaky costumes. Clearly, another anti-hunting diatribe from the Hollywood improperganda machine.

The whole thing could have been avoided had the main characters not replied:  “I’m game!” when they were asked to participate in a bizarre collectivist ritual purported to be fun.

And that was exactly what we were thinking about our own decision to stay and watch the film, a flashy re-hash of a theme that   has been exploited numerous times before.

Wait! Did someone say “hash”? Oh, man, now we’re really hungry!